{small moment} – finding comfort in my cluelessness

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A lot of times when I try to pray, I try to get to the root of every problem I have and tell God to fix it. I tell him exactly what (I think) I know is wrong.

My mind does this super obnoxious thing of over analyzing every. single. problem. I. have.

And then after I pick apart and analyze everything, I can tell God exactly what I need Him to do. I can tell Him what this person needs, what I need, how this and that situation can be solved, and even how my life needs to go.
But then sometimes I get stuck. I can’t tell him what solution I need Him to give me, because I don’t know the solution.

I don’t know what I need. I don’t know what the problem is.

And my prayer turns into a long ramble of “I don’t know, God. I just really don’t know. I have no idea, I just really have no idea.”

I’m being totally sincere- that’s what my prayers sound like a lot.

And you know what? God knows that I don’t know. He knows that I don’t have the solutions and He knows I have no clue what I’m doing.

And that’s exactly where my peace comes from in this small moment: I don’t have to know, because God knows. He probably looks down pitifully at me as I try to fix everything before I can tell him what needs fixing. He probably laughs to himself as I tell him the answer He needs to give me for my questions.

Sometimes though, when my prayers turn into that long ramble of cluelessness, I’m immediately comforted. Because I’m reminded that Almighty God doesn’t need poor, clueless Betsy to tell Him what she needs. He knows. He knows more than I ever could. And His solutions to my prayers are far greater than what I could ever come up with myself.

So here’s my peace- I don’t have to know, because God knows. I don’t even have to know what I need to pray for, because God knows. And I can rest easy, praying: God give me whatever it is you have for me, because your ways are greater than mine and I trust in your providence in my life. That’s my peace.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

{more small moments here}

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purpose in the chaos

small moments

Right now I’m sitting in another woman’s classroom trying to take her place for the day. These children don’t know me and I don’t know them. I don’t know their family of their background. I don’t know what their favorite toys or snacks are. I don’t know how many siblings they each have or when their birthdays are. I don’t know their individual strengths and weaknesses. I don’t even know if they have parents to go home to or food on the dinner table every night.

They have worked on my nerves. They have put their sticky fingers in my hair and screamed in my ears. They have hardly listened to a word I’ve said and they certainly have no concern for the state of my sanity.

But here’s my peace in this small moment: Maybe I gave encouragement to a child who receives none. Maybe i provided a hug for one who never feels loved. Maybe I gave a smile to a child who sees nothing but frowns and scowls.

On days like today, when kids scream and run around and don’t listen to a single word I say, when they yell “hey lady” repeatedly at me, when I make mistakes in teaching them, I sometimes wonder why I’ve chosen to do this. I wonder if maybe this isn’t the career I should be pursuing.

But.

But then I remember that for however brief a time, I’ve had the opportunity to bring joy and love to the life of a child. A child whose heart hasn’t been hardened by the world yet. A child who still believes that all people are good and trustworthy and still wakes up to magical presents on Christmas morning and puts their lost teeth under their pillow for the Tooth Fairy.

I remember my peace: God has placed a love of children in my heart and I do not intend to waste it. No matter how taxing it may have been on my heart or my sanity, I have made some sort of impact on the life of a child. That is my peace in this small moment.