when you don’t feel accepted

When I was in high school, I lived nearly every day in terror over wondering what the people around me thought about me. Y’all, I mean it was severe. I let the imaginary opinions of others dictate literally everything about me- what I wore, what I said (or didn’t say), who I talked to (or didn’t talk to), things I did, activities I was involved in, etc.… I was in constant fear over saying the wrong thing, making a stupid mistake, being awkward, or appearing to be a certain way and looking back at those days now, I feel TOTALLY ridiculous. Who I am today is not anything close to who I was in high school, and I feel like the main reason for that is because I was too afraid to be who I really was and do and say the things I wanted to. My need for acceptance totally dictated my identity.

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I watch the people around me (and strangers via the internet) hate, judge, ridicule, and reject each other and it seems like all of those actions are a result of our need for acceptance. We need attention. We need to feel accepted. We need to feel like someone out there notices us and sees what we’re doing and cares about it. If someone is getting more attention, others get jealous. If someone is different from everyone else, they are rejected. If someone has a different view or belief than us, we feel threatened and get angry. Our own need to be accepted causes us to do the exact same things to others that we fear they’ll do to us.

For some, this desire leads them to doing things they shouldn’t be doing with people they shouldn’t be with.

For some, this desire creates a selfish and jealous heart.

For some, this desire is quenched with the use of social media.

In my own case, this desire gave me a heavy heart. Seeking acceptance from the people around me only led me to feeling even less accepted.

Whatever the case is, the need to be accepted, cared for, and just simply noticed leads to a heart-breaking life.

Chasing attention from the world will never leave you satisfied. There will always be someone to live up to, someone better than you, receiving more attention than you, or just doing life better than you are. You’ll always need to do more, say more, or be more to get the attention and acceptance that you want.

Hey y’all, you will never ever be accepted by the world. Why should you want to be? Why should you want to be accepted by the same people who reject the One who lives and reigns in your hearts?

“If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you. If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you” John 15:18

Jesus himself has chosen you specifically out of the world, to stand apart, to be light and salt and love and joy- not to look like the world. Jesus didn’t set you apart so you could look and act like the very same people who hate him. No, friends- He chose you to stand above, and to stand out.

This fact alone- that He set you apart- is real proof that you will never be accepted by the world.

It’s even further proof that you will never NEED to be accepted by the world.

You are already noticed. You are already accepted. The world may make you feel rejected, but you ARE known and loved and cared for. You were chosen by God himself “to be holy and without blame before Him in love” (Ephesians 1:4).

This world is not your permanent home. Acceptance and attention from the people here will give you a temporary ego boost, but it will never create lasting joy. If you want lasting joy, cling to the worth and identity you already have in Christ- not in your strengths, not in your material things, not in your athletic ability, not in your talent, artistic ability, number on the scale, grades, popularity, or whatever. You can very easily find acceptance from the world with stuff like that- but when you seek acceptance through temporary, worldly things, it will not last. You will always need more.

Acceptance in Christ is satisfying. It is real and lasting. It won’t ever break your heart.

You know why?

Because it’s not based on you. It’s not founded in anything you’ve done, will do, or ever could do. Your worth is found in Christ alone. And He never changes, you can for sure count on that. Your identity found in Him will never, ever change, because He will never, ever change.

You don’t need acceptance from the world, you need acceptance from God. And you already had that- long before you were even born. That acceptance was established that day on the cross, and in that you have hope- knowing that you are always noticed, always loved, and always cared for.

 

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to the girl who feels lost, and like God is silent

Dear girl who feels lost,

First of all, I know. I know the feeling. Maybe you’re a junior/senior in high school and you are being bombarded with questions of where you’re going to college, what you’re going to major in, whether or not you’ll continue to play sports, dance, cheer, join a sorority, or whatever other questions they like to throw at you (because don’t you know, at 18 years of age, you’re supposed to already have all this figured out??). Maybe you’re a freshman/sophomore in college (or junior/senior) and you still haven’t declared a major or found anything that really sounds appealing to pursue for the rest of your life.

Maybe you’re the “always a bridesmaid, never a bride” and all your friends are married or about to be, and you don’t even have a boyfriend. You may be at a crossroads about to make some major decision, or you didn’t get into the program that you needed to, so now you have to completely rearrange your plan. Maybe the man you were supposed to marry didn’t come through for you, and now your life seems to be at a stand-still.

And you’re sitting there, crying at God, pleading for Him to give you some divine revelation about what the heck you are supposed to be doing with your life, and: silence.

Why isn’t He talking? Everyone else has gotten “their plan” from Him, why hasn’t He given you yours yet?

I have read many, many blog posts and devotions about determining God’s will. I have wrestled with this concept and I have sat there in the same spot as you and asked why, why, why? Why isn’t God telling me anything? But it seems like the more and more you try to figure out how to figure it out, the more and more lost you feel. Does God have a specific person in mind for you? Does He have a chosen career path for you? How do you know? How does God communicate His purpose for our lives to us?

Dear friend, let me tell you something that may seem discouraging at first glance: God may or may not come to you and tell you specifically and explicitly exactly what He wants you to do, what career to pursue, who to marry, where to take a job, where to join a church, how many kids to have or whatever else you could possibly be worrying about.

God’s set of instructions to us are found in a book called…

wait for it…

The Holy Bible.

*applause and cheers*

It is completely within God’s power, and at times within His pleasure, to come to us individually and give us more specific instructions. For example, if you are called to be a pastor, or missionary, or some other form of ministry. Those kinds of things are specific duties for specific people called by God. But, for the most the part, I believe that we should not expect God to do that. God can absolutely do it, and He does sometimes. But in addition to that possibility, we already have unquestionably all the guidance and instruction we need per the Holy Bible.

Hint: that’s why God gave the Bible to His children in the first place.

The Bible is given by inspiration of God, and is a good and perfect reference for teaching, correcting, rebuking, and instructing. And by all those things we receive through the Bible, we can make better decisions about our life, and we will be better equipped to be servants of the Lord. (Find this in 2 Timothy 3:16-17)

I was told one time to not think of God’s will as a singular pathway that I am restricted to. I should view God’s will as a large passageway with many various pathways inside of it. They all lead to different lives, but at the same time, they all work within God’s will.

The Bible does NOT tell me: Betsy, you need to marry John Smith.

The Bible tells me: Betsy, marry someone who is a man of God; someone that is faithful and loving, patient, humble, and gentle. Someone that will be a leader and provider to your family and someone who seeks after God.

The Bible does NOT tell me: Betsy, you need to be an English teacher.

The Bible does tell me: Betsy, use the skills and abilities God has given you to bring honor and glory to His name.

If whatever you choose to do in life can be used to demonstrate God’s grace and glory through the skills and talents He’s given you, I sincerely believe that thing can totally be within God’s will for your life.

I suggest reading from the beginning of chapter 1, but Ephesians 1:11-12 says, “In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory.

When God made us His children, the purpose He established in us was to live “to the praise of His glory”. Our main goal while we live here on Earth is to praise God through any and everything we do. God’s ultimate will for your life is to praise Him. So, I have to believe that anything you do that can be used to praise Him, is acceptable in His will.

That thought is soooooo comforting, isn’t it? You are not bound to one specific person, career, etc… If you were, what would the consequences be if you chose wrong? How scary would it be to live like that?

That’s how a lot of us live. We try so hard to complicate God’s will. We want some divine revelation from God Himself. And honestly, dear friends, that is somewhat of an arrogant wish- that we should expect God to give us a “better” explanation than the thoroughly perfect instruction guide already provided for us.

It’s kinda like God’s thinking: ok, I’ve already given you this detailed instruction guide filled to the brim with perfectly applicable wisdom and knowledge, what more do you need??

How to Make Sure a Decision is Within God’s Will:

1. It is cohesive with teachings found in the Bible.

The End

If you feel led to something or someone, and a part of that something or someone is at odds with things you find in God’s Word, you can be 100% sure that this something or someone is not in God’s will for you. Sin will never be a part of God’s purpose for your life.

So to you who feel lost, determining God’s will for your life should not be an anxiety-inducing thought. There was a time in my life where I would sit for days and wrestle with figuring out what God is calling me to do. And each time the wrestling began, it was like, alright here we go again, bring on the stress and exhaustion. Did I think to look to the Bible? No. But I don’t believe it should be that way. Seeking God’s will should be comforting and encouraging. Mainly, because His will for you is perfect and good, and living according to our complete instruction manual makes for a godly and joyful life.

God allows you freedom to make decisions. And the most comforting thing about it is, those decisions are automatically going to be within God’s purpose for your life as long as they let you live “to the praise of His glory”.

I am in no way limiting God. He can open doors for you, He can provide opportunities, He can bring people in and out of your life, and He can place a desire on your heart, guide the course of your days, or send you a divine revelation however and whenever He chooses. But in general, if you find yourself at a point where you are afraid of making the wrong decision, or afraid to go in a direction that is outside God’s will, refer back to our good and perfect instruction guide. Everything you need to know about what decisions to make and how to live are already provided to you. It’s not as complicated as you think. You have the freedom to choose. (read: you have the freedom to choose!!)

Love,

someone who knows exactly how you feel

 

let Earth receive her King

The way Jesus came to earth is important- He came in the most humble way possible. A baby. In a horse’s stable. To a virgin mother.

The One that was going to be the Savior of the whole world, the One that prophets had been speaking about for hundreds of years, the One that our whole faith and gospel is built around, had finally arrived. I can imagine all of Earth silently rejoicing, as she welcomed the Savior of the world. I can imagine the angels singing, because Jesus had finally arrived to proclaim to God’s creation the majesty and wonder of the One who created it.

He didn’t come with thunder and lightning, he didn’t split the sky and descend down on his wings, he didn’t burst through the clouds with fire. He was born to a scared, young mother next to the horses in a manger, because nobody would give them a place to stay. He was rejected from the moment He got here until the moment He left. That’s important. In this story, that foreshadows the type of life that He will live- a life of humility, a life of a servant.

Let us embody this humility. Let us embrace this demonstration of love for humankind.

He was rejected, but he did not neglect the needs of others.

He was humiliated, but he remained humble.

He was treated like a criminal, even though he committed no crime.

The One that the Earth rejoiced to receive, left the Earth in the most painful and hateful manner. And he did that for you. He did that for me. Where is our compassion like that? Where is our humility and understanding when we’ve been wronged? Where is our love that gives way to that kind of sacrifice?

How arrogant it is that we seem to believe that we deserve more than what Jesus had. He came into this world with nothing- no Earthly home, no resting place. He was hated, beaten, laughed at, and charged with crimes he did not commit. And despite all this, He was the most loving, kind, humble, and selfless being that ever walked the Earth. Yet we are so hateful when it comes to those unlike us- we neglect those who have less than us, we reject relationships with “sinners”, and we shun people who don’t embrace our faith.

Christmas celebrates the birth of a Savior who was loving, forgiving, understanding, and humble. We, as Christians, claim to celebrate the birth of Someone who was self-sacrificing, a healer, a helper, and a friend to sinners.

So many Christians today are so unkind to others who don’t embrace our beliefs, and that’s completely the opposite of what our faith was founded on. As it comes closer to Christmas, this becomes even more evident. Christians cannot justifiably run through the streets shouting the “reason for the season” and forcing other people to embrace that, if they, themselves don’t strive to be like the One they are celebrating.  So many rant and rave about “taking Christ out of Christmas”, when for the majority of the year prior, it appeared as though they had taken Christ out of their life. You cannot try to persuade others to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas, if you do not live out the true meaning of Christmas yourself for the rest of the year.

Our goal should be to embody His love and grace. Striving to be like Jesus is a form of worship.

It is recognition that He is good and holy and worthy to be praised. It’s a form of respect to who He is. Christians cannot claim to celebrate His birth if they do not respect who He is- if they do not strive to be more like Him. Christmas becomes entangled with wish lists and wrapping paper, stress, gifts to give and parties to attend. You worry about decorating, about going to see family and friends, maybe possibly planning long road trips to go see them. We stress about what to get people and whether we’re getting them enough or not…

Let’s not forget that we are celebrating the birth of a King, who the Earth rejoiced to receive- and our goal while we remain on this Earth is to become more and more like Him. I enjoy everything about Christmas- the lights, the decorating, parties, seeing friends and family, giving and receiving gifts. There is absolutely nothing wrong with all of those things. Let’s just remember that this season that we’re in celebrates the birth of a man who lived His life being merciful, forgiving, comforting, selfless, and loving. And let’s also remember to live our lives in the same way.

I Haven’t “Made It”

“I feel sorry for you, because you don’t know how to act”

“Maybe that’s why you’re such a good liar”

Those are the words that spilled from my little 5th grade mouth one day. I remember after saying those things, world seemed to pause for about .10 seconds. Where did that come from? I remember thinking. At the time, I was proud of myself for coming up with such a witty comeback during this ultra-dramatic, elementary school girl fight in the middle of the lunch room chaos. I somehow managed to break through my shy personality for the first time, and I felt like I was finally standing up for myself. Even though I was somewhat impressed with my moment of boldness, I couldn’t help but also feel a little guilty. I didn’t know that such strong and harsh language could come out of me like that.

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Now 10 years later, I still have those moments. And they come much more frequently.

A lot of the time, I like to think that I’m doing pretty well. You know, I try to treat others nicely. I do selfless things for others every once in a while. I’ve been reading more “Christian living” books. I go to church on Sundays and bible study on Wednesday nights. I listen to worship music just as much as, if not more than, secular music. I even made a prayer journal.

I’m doing pretty good, right?

Maybe I’ve “made it”.

But every now then (maybe, actually more than that), words will tumble from my mouth like bombs, butchering relationships and cutting people down. Thoughts run through my mind like a runaway train that eventually wreck my soul and shatter my joy and compassion for others. Hateful words bubble up out of a deep place inside me that I forgot existed. My mouth says things or my mind thinks things that my heart was too slow to filter out.

And I’m literally amazed that there is still a place inside me where those thoughts and attitudes reside. I surprise myself by the hateful thoughts I still have inside me and the hurtful words I still allow to fall out of my mouth.

I can’t possibly believe those things, right? How can something so sinful and damaging still be inside me? I thought I was doing pretty well. I was doing all the “right” things, so how can my heart still be such a wreck?

Those hurtful words and sinful thoughts- surely I don’t truly think that way deep down?

But I do.

Those thoughts and attitudes wouldn’t ever come to surface if they were not rooted somewhere deep inside me. And those thoughts and attitudes are rooted deep somewhere inside you, too. You may be better at controlling them than I am, but they’re there. They are rooted in all of us. This is a common struggle with all of humanity throughout all the ages of time, and Paul describes it this way:

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” (Romans 7:15-20 NIV)

You see, you and I are not alone in this battle.

One of the most challenging things about this is that you’re aware of it. You tell yourself you’ll do better. So when you do slip up, make that mistake, have a nasty attitude, or utter those hateful words, you think: Oh gosh, that was bad. I need to do something about that. I’ll do better next time.

And yet it happens over and over and over again.

Whether it’s manifested in your thoughts, words, or actions:

Pride overtakes your compassion.

Jealously drowns out your humility.

Insecurity steals your honesty.

And greed overtakes your integrity.

I often ask myself how it’s possible that such hate and malice can spring from the same mouth that also speaks joy and love.

“Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be. Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter? Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh.” (James 3:10 KJV)

I used to have this idea that at some point in time, I’ll “make it”. I used to imagine that I’ll reach this point when I won’t really have to struggle with sin the way I do now. And yet, that cannot be farther than the truth. We’ll never reach a point in life where we’ve “made it”.

This battle with sin seems like a never ending struggle.

But it is not an eternal struggle.

If you ever think that you’ve “made it”, that you’re doing alright, and that you don’t really struggle with sin too badly anymore- that’s perfect evidence that you haven’t “made it” at all. That’s evidence that you need God’s grace and forgiveness just as much as you always have.

You cannot overcome sin on your own. You’ll never reach a point when you no longer have to fight against the sinful nature in your heart. It’ll always be there. However, Paul tells us that where sin abounds, grace much more abounds (Romans 5:20). Thankfully, we’re given insurmountable amounts of grace while we live here on Earth. God is overflowing with enough mercy and forgiveness to carry us farther than the days of our life.

A life struggling with sin requires lots of humility. It requires the ability to accept the fact that you will never “make it”. You must be willing to ask for forgiveness. A lot. Not only from God, but from those around you as well. You must be humble enough to recognize your need for God. You must be willing to ask God for strength to do the right thing, wisdom to know what His will is, and forgiveness when you fail. Thankfully, God has an endless supply of all of these things readily available to you when you need them.

The God that has prepared an eternal home for you, who knows you more intimately than anyone else, and who gave His only Son as a sacrifice for you is the God that reigns in your heart. And the God that reigns in your heart is infinitely more powerful than the sin that dwells within you. Remember, you are not a slave to sin. We are all going to have to struggle with sin for as long as we live in this world, but sin will never be so powerful as to enslave us. You’ve been redeemed– you have a Savior that gave his life so that you don’t have to be imprisoned by this sinful nature. You may get tangled in sin, but you’ll never be ensnared by it. It will never have the power to defeat the grace and love that God has woven deeply into your heart.

“You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.” (1 John 4:4 NIV)

Despite the depths of our sin, and no matter how many times we fail, God has enough grace and compassion to carry us into eternity.

This battle with sin seems like a never ending struggle.

But it is not an eternal struggle.

 

how do we “get to” God?

Let me begin this post by saying, whether this is the first time you’ve been here or you are a regular visitor, I value your time. I deeply appreciate every pair of eyes that read across my words, because these words come straight from my heart, and the thought that anyone would take time to read them brings tears to my eyes. I pray that I would only share thoughts that are uplifting and encouraging to you, because I can imagine that is exactly what you are searching for.

So with that, here’s my thoughts today….

The topic of this post is somewhat fragile ground for me to tread on: How do we as humans “get to” God?

In other words, what do we have to do to reach Heaven?

This is somewhat scary for me to write about because Christians are so divided on the topic of salvation. It causes lots of tension and animosity between different groups and denominations, because salvation is the end goal of our faith and life. Deciding what to believe about salvation is more than a life or death situation, it’s an eternal life or death situation. Which is why I’m somewhat compelled to share the truth that I believe to have.

Please understand that I’m writing this with complete sincerity and humility. If you have any questions or even arguments, please leave a comment or shoot me an e-mail. I would love to chat 🙂

How do we get to God?

Is there a way for humans to actively move towards God?

Yes, actually.

John 6:44 says “no man can come to me, except the Father which hath sent me draw him”

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This verse tells me that a man can come to Jesus, but only if God draws him first. God must pull a person towards Him, because a person cannot come to him of his own will. A human being in their natural state – a sinner- has nothing within them that wants to draw near to God. How do I know that?

Because Romans 3:10-12 says “there is none righteous, no not one: there is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God.”

Also, Ephesians 2:1 tells me that I am dead in sin. To be dead in sin means that you have no desire nor ability to desire spiritual things. All you have inside you is your sinful nature. Each human’s natural state of living is “dead in sin” until God intervenes. This sinful nature is referred to as the “natural man” in this verse:

“But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned.” 1 Corinthians 2:14

This verse states that we as natural worldly humans have nothing inside us that desires to seek God. We only begin to seek God and have faith until God takes action. Do you know what dead people can do? Nothing. Dead people cannot make themselves come alive, only Jesus can bring the dead to life. So if I’m naturally dead in sin, and if there is nothing within me that desires to seek God, nor has the ability to seek God, how did I end up where I am today: seeking and following after Christ?

I didn’t do it.

I had nothing to do with the transformation that took me from dead in sin to alive in Christ.

If you keep reading chapter 2, you find in verse 8 that you are “saved by grace through faith” and not faith that you created yourself, faith that was given to you by God. Keep reading on into verse 9 and you find that no part of this salvation “process” had anything to do with your actions.

Nothing you said, no good deed you did, no action, and no profession of belief has any part in securing your home in Heaven.

Your place in Heaven was secured by the fact that God chose to love you. God chose to reach down and pull you out of eternal wrath.

Ephesians 1:3-4 says, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who hath blessed us with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places in Christ: According as he hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love…”

God decided long before you were born, and long before the world was created, to love you and to give you a home in Heaven. He didn’t do it because of anything you did, or anything He knew that you were going to do, but simply because that is the true definition of love. True love is making sacrifices for those who can do nothing for you. That is the perfect picture of love, and Christ illustrated that for us on the cross.

Think about this: why would God leave it up to our actions to confirm our salvation? How could He give us sinful, clueless, creatures the power to choose between Heaven or Hell? I cannot let myself believe that God sent His son to die for our sins, to pay the price for our salvation, and then somehow still put another requirement on us to officially become “saved”. That just does not make sense in my head.

You know the Fruits of the Spirit? Love, joy peace, patience, goodness, etc… (Gal. 5:22) They are called “Fruits of the Spirit” because you only have those traits inside you if the Holy Spirit dwells inside you. And I don’t think it’s Biblical to say that God would allow someone to go to hell even though they have the Holy Spirit inside them. So these Fruits of the Spirit must be evidence that you have Jesus and the love of God in your heart, and God would not, could not send someone He loves to hell.

Let’s work out that thought a little deeper: God would not send someone He loves to hell.

We know that God’s love is everlasting, and that nothing can separate us from the love of God.

“The Lord hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.” Jeremiah 31:3

“For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39

So if God loves everyone, and some people still end up in hell, then either God loves them in Hell (which is not Biblical because Hell is eternal separation from God) or that God’s love actually isn’t everlasting. Since I know that neither of those options are found in the Bible, I have to believe that if a person is in Hell, God never loved them to begin with.

Following that train of logic, I have to believe that all the people that God loves are without a doubt going to have a secure place in Heaven. And God doesn’t choose who He loves based on actions or words. He chooses who He loves according to His own good pleasure and will. However, that absolutely doesn’t mean that God loves a very select few people. You can see in Revelation 7:9 that Heaven holds “a great multitude, which no man could number, of all nations, and kindreds, and people, and tongues”.

This collection of somewhat scattered thoughts is not complete in itself. My intention is not to convince anyone that the way they may believe is wrong, or that the way I believe is right. My only intention is to propose some ideas that hopefully convince you to dig a little deeper into God’s word and decide for yourself what to believe. Salvation is such a tricky subject, and I think it’s important to remember that no matter what beliefs you hold or what church you go to, we all have the same goal: to seek truth and to serve God as best we can. So instead of judging and looking down on each other, let’s build up and encourage one another. I am so completely open to comments, questions, and arguments (as long as you’re nice about it :-)), so feel free to leave a comment or even email me if you want to talk deeper.

 

 

do you struggle with a smug soul?

Titus 3:2-4 says, “To speak evil of no man, to be no brawlers, but gentle, shewing all meekness unto all men. For we ourselves also were sometimes foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving divers lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful, and hating one another. But after that the kindness and love of God our Saviour toward man appeared

do you struggle with smug soul

Isn’t smug a fun word? Smug.

It’s fun to say but absolutely not fun to feel.

No matter what your personality is, where you are in life, or how much you have in life, we all have little smug feelings in us sometimes.

When we tip the waiter lower than we know we should. When we don’t thank someone for holding the door open. When we don’t return a stranger’s smile or wave across the street. When we worry more about our reputation than spreading the Gospel.

I’ve been struggling with several seemingly separate heart issues lately- I’ve been judgmental, ungrateful, pessimistic, apathetic, etc… I’ve found that they are all actually connected in one problem -and it’s found in the cute little word, smug. How can such an adorable word have such damaging effects?

For those of you who don’t know, smug (adj.): contentedly confident of one’s ability, superiority, or correctness

The verses in Titus above call us to not spread unkind gossip, to live peaceably, and to show gentleness and kindness to everyone we meet. These things are fairly standard commandments sprinkled abundantly throughout the whole Bible. There are so many more verses that command us to do the same things.

The reason that this particular passage stood out to me is the why. Why should I show kindness to them? Why should I refrain from spreading gossip? Why should I tip the waiter a fair amount? Why should I return a stranger’s smile?

Because verse 3 tells me that I, myself was (and still am) disobedient, living in envy, hateful, and serving my own selfish desires. This tells me that I am in no position to withhold love or kindness from anyone, because honestly, I am not always worthy of love. Never, actually. I’ve never been worthy of love.

But God loves me anyways.

He doesn’t love me because of anything I’ve done (if you keep reading you see that in verse 5), or anything I am, but because of who He is and what He’s done.

God saw how lowly and full of failures I am and decided to keep loving me anyways.

He sees all the weakness in you too, friend. And he continues to love you anyways.

Show kindness to them, no matter what they’ve done, because God shows kindness to you through his grace and mercy. Don’t spread hateful gossip about anyone, because any shortcoming you see in them, you also have a little of in you too. Your money is not too good to be given as a tip to the waiter. You are not so above anyone as to not return their friendly smile.

Here’s a hard truth to embrace in every-day life: You are not above God’s commandments. You are no better than any other soul on Earth, and it is not up to you to decide how to treat others.

That sounds very harsh, but it’s the honest truth. When we don’t follow through with what God has commanded us to do, we are implying that we are above His commands.

There it is again- our smug little soul.

Do y’all notice the sequence of events? We ourselves were foolish and disobedient, and after that the kindness and love of God appeared toward man.

After you lived in malice.

After you were hateful.

God showed his love towards me after he saw how lost I was.

Humans have an unreasonably low tolerance level with each other. Most of the time, the minute I see an imperfection in someone, I write them off. I immediately judge their character by the one failure I see in them, without remembering that I have the same failure in some degree within me too.

Who am I to decide that others are not worth my love and kindness?

Despite the fact that God saw the worst in us and still decided to love us, we still sometimes think that we have the power to withhold love from someone that we have deemed “unworthy”. If you keep reading on into verse 5, it says “not by works of righteousness which we have done”. We did nothing to earn God’s love, so how we do have the right to make others work for ours?

God’s love, grace and kindness toward us is unmerited, unconditional, and undeserved. Yet we are so stingy with our own love and kindness. If God forgives the worst in you, and still chooses to love you, you are not only compelled, but called to do the same for others. Please don’t let the smug side of your soul prevent you from showing love towards everyone, no matter who they are or what they’ve done.

 

 

2 easy ways to spread joy

Hello friends 🙂

Current self-care goal: spread joy

If you’re trudging through life with negativity, selfish attitudes, or irritability, this post is for you!

When you struggle with things I listed above, you can’t live a joyful, fulfilling life and you certainly cannot serve God to your best ability.

spread joy

I struggle with joy a lot. Which is kind of why I made the transition to Filled with Greater Joy (a story you can read about here). Life is hard and people are mean and the world is sad and sometimes life is just…not good. You know? Sometimes it’s hard to find the silver lining. Sometimes the world crumbles around you and you’re left with a ton of missing pieces and only band aids to fix things. And sometimes, the world is not actually crumbling, it just looks like it is. Sometimes we get relaxed in our comfortable lives and one small bump in the road completely crashes our ride. Sometimes we simply forget to be grateful. Sometimes life seems hard because we’ve forgotten how much we’ve been blessed with.

And part of my struggle with joy is having a negative attitude.

I like to complain.

Don’t you?

Especially when everyone else around me is complaining. I love to join in on pity parties and agree that “it seriously is way too hot today” and “we definitely should get paid more for this”. It makes me feel like I’ve contributed something meaningful to the conversation. We love to feel included, don’t we? And misery loves company.

Complaining contributes to this attitude of negativity that is rampant, y’all. RAMPANT. We can all agree that the world is already full of negativity, right? So let’s spread a little optimism. Let’s spread a little joy. Yeah?

I believe that spreading joy comes down to two things:

  1. Focus on adding life to others with your words and actions.

Well that sounds great and flowery, Bets. But what does that mean?

It means that before you act or speak, you consider whether or not that action or word is going to add value to someone else’s life. Maybe complaining about your job to your neighbor isn’t the best way to add joy to their day. Maybe spreading gossip about that girl you hate doesn’t leave a positive impact on those who hear you.

Spreading joy begins with turning the focus on others instead of yourself. You know, start with little things like opening doors for others and giving compliments. (Side note, GIRLS: give. each. other. compliments!!!!! life is not a competition)

What adds life? Words of affirmation. Encouragement. A listening ear to someone’s struggles. Gratitude instead of complaints. (check out choose love // choose people) 🙂

  1. Focus on serving God with your words and actions.

This one is more self- explanatory. Serve God instead of yourself. Choose actions that bring glory to Him instead of yourself, and speak encouragement and love that draws attention to Christ. If we always act with ourselves in mind, it becomes extremely difficult to spread joy. No one likes to be around someone who’s only concerned about themselves, you know? Self-centered people are not pleasant people to be around.

If you turn the focus of your actions towards Christ, joy and encouragement will automatically follow.

Ok, but what does that really look like in real life?

In your daily interactions at school, work, or wherever, demonstrate qualities of Christ. Forgiveness. Patience. Love. Grace. Understanding. Stop spreading gossip, stop holding grudges, stop being so quick to judge others.

My little sister had speak life written on her rearview mirror for the longest time. Shout-out to you, RG.

I think that’s an incredibly simple reminder for how to live while spreading joy: speak life.

Don’t act or speak in a way that takes away value from someone’s life.

Speak life. And serve God.

 

the art of Getting Along with Others

I have Romans 12:9-21 sectioned off in my Bible and labeled as “how to get along with others”.

People (including me) seem to have such difficulty with this. Getting along with others is something that adults and guardians drive into our brains as soon as we become functioning, social beings. Share your toys. Say “please” and “thank- you”. Wait your turn. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Treat others the way you want to be treated.

Somewhere between preschool and adulthood it seems like this art of “getting along with others” is either somewhat forgotten, or completely lost altogether. Why does it become harder to get along? Why does it get harder to treat others politely, and with kindness?

Maybe it’s because we grow up and realize that not everyone is as good as we thought. Maybe it’s because everyone begins to develop more diverse personalities, which makes it easier to clash with one another. Maybe as we age, the world seems to get colder and people seem to get harsher. We realize that not everyone can be a winner, and since we all want to be a winner, we do everything we can to beat down the competition.

Whatever the reason, it’s a shame (to put it in my dad’s words) that the simple art of “getting along” is such a hard concept for most of us to grasp.

So, for the world’s convenience, and built around scripture found in Romans 12:9-21, I have put together the Comprehensive, All-in-One, Complete Lesson and Guide to Getting Along with Others 🙂 if everyone would read this, the world’s problems would be solved right?

Right.

Lol.

getting along with others

Starting in verse 9,Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. (10) Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” Seems fairly simple, right? You know, in the King James Version (my fave version, btw) love is replaced with charity. Charity is any action that may require sacrifice of yourself for the benefit of others.

Charity is goodwill towards others without worrying about what kind of sacrifice you have to make for yourself. So love others with sincerity. Place the happiness of others before the happiness of yourself, hate what is evil, and cling to what is good.

Don’t fall into the pressures of sin. If people around you are engaging in a particular sin, leave them, but continue to love them from a distance. Cling to the goodness. Cling to the good you see in others. Cling to the love, joy and peace of God, and then throw it around like sprinkles on everyone else’s ice cream.

Verses 11-13 are centered around your relationship with God. Which makes sense, because your relationship with God is the foundation for all other 3elationships. “Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” I’ve noticed that my attitude towards others changes when I’m in a low period in my relationship with God. I’m more impatient, less forgiving, and less cheerful when I’m not focused on God. Human beings, despite how frustrating they can be at times, become much more lovable when you look at them through God’s love.

Verses 14-20 are pretty self-explanatory, “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord. On the contrary: ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’”

Bless those who persecute you. I have this mindset that when others ridicule you or speak badly of your good deeds, it’s either because they see something in you that they are jealous of, or they something in themselves that they hate. This mindset gives should give you all the more reason to love on them. Whatever ugly things they have to say about you only show their true colors, and also just proves how much more love they really need.

Mourn with those who mourn– this one is easy. Rejoice with those who rejoice– this one is not. Don’t ask me why. I guess it’s just our human nature to automatically be jealous when good things happen to other people. The solution to this is to look at everyone around remembering that they are children of God, and precious in His sight. If they are precious to God, they should be precious to you. If their life is important to God, it should be important to you, and rejoicing with one another’s victories is the sweetest proof of love.

Do not take revenge when someone hurts you, instead, give help to them when they need it: “if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Or in other words, kill them with kindness. The focus of this point is, repaying good for evil is an awesome testimony of God’s love. It paints the perfect picture of mercy and forgiveness. Instead of hurting those who hurt you, be an example of a life lived in a better way. Give them a reason to wonder what you have that fills you with such grace.

There you have it! Betsy’s Comprehensive, All-in-One, Complete Lesson and Guide to Getting Along with Others. Seems pretty simple. Yeah? I just solved all the world’s problems, right?

I love, love, love these passages of scripture, and the lessons taught here can be found in so many other places in the Bible, specifically in Jesus’s Sermon on the Mount found in Matthew 5-7.

I am a huge believer that your day-to-day living is the greatest testimony you have. The way you live your daily life is proof of where your focus is and where your heart dwells. You can choose to show others that your heart dwells in the world, or that it dwells in Jesus.

 

 

My Dear Single Girl: Lessons Learned from A Non – Single Girl

I wrote this post a little differently from my previous ones. This post started out as a ramble in the notes section of my phone, but I began to see some good lessons in my babbling and decided to make a blog post out of it :-). The words that are italicized are part of the original writing, and they are absolutely straight from my heart, so I decided to leave them in there.

My Dear Single Girl: Lessons Learned from a Non-Single Girl

My Dear Single Girl_

Maybe we agreed to trudge through life together because we thought we could fill all the cracks in each other’s hearts. We thought we could close in the gaps for each other. Maybe we thought that this arrangement between us would clean up all the mess inside us, we thought that it would wipe away the hurt and the heartache that others left behind for us.

But I’m learning that that’s not how love works. Love works in the mess and the heartache, it doesn’t erase it. Love sticks through it. Being in love with another person doesn’t put the chaos in your heart back in order, it chooses to stick with you through the chaos.

If you’re looking for someone to fix you, you’re looking in all the wrong places. If you need someone to clean up your mess, look up to Heaven, not around on this Earth.

When we signed up for this, we didn’t know that sometimes love would be the cause of the mess and the worry and the hurt. That sometimes, love would turn its back and refuse to speak. We didn’t know that love wouldn’t always cultivate happiness, or that some days or weeks or months, happiness would be nowhere to be found.

Maybe I thought that you would always love me well, and maybe you thought I could always love you well. Maybe that’s why we chose each other, we were hoping to be loved perfectly by another person. Maybe we thought that we could be the cure for each other’s loneliness. We didn’t know that affection and kindness wouldn’t always come easy. We didn’t understand that just because you love someone, it doesn’t mean you’ll always feel affection for them.

I’m learning now that no one can love me perfectly except The One. During seasons of singleness, we look for the one that we think is going to love us perfectly and deeply no matter what we do. We don’t realize that we’re actually just searching for Jesus. And even when you’re in a relationship, maybe you still expect him to love you perfectly, and so when he inevitably fails, you crumble. Maybe all the things you’re searching for in a relationship with a guy are really only things that you can find perfectly in a relationship with Jesus.

Maybe we checked “agree” without really reading all the conditions. The conditions that said in order for the relationship to last, sometimes a lot of times, you’ll have to lay down your happiness. The conditions that would’ve told us that by agreeing to this relationship, we will learn how to sacrifice like we’ve never had to before, that we would learn how much pride and selfishness we really have in our hearts. We would’ve been prepared for the difficult and heartbreaking moments, the days that feel empty even though the person you love is sitting right next to you.

The promise between two people in love doesn’t guarantee happiness or an easy life.

The promise between two people in love guarantees growth. We are guaranteed another person to struggle and hurt with. We’re making a promise to another soul to keep choosing each them every day no matter what.

I’ve said it before and I’ll probably keep saying it until the day God calls me home: the deeper I go into understanding God’s love, the more I realize how terribly I fail at showing His love. I’m learning more and more that a relationship is not for my own benefit, it’s for the other person’s. And ultimately, a relationship (with anyone) is for the glory of God. I’m learning that if I go into a relationship for the purpose of fulfilling something in my life that I believe to be missing, I’ll never be satisfied.

So, why then, do you choose someone to be in a relationship with? What’s the point? And how do you choose them?

You choose them because you see something special in their heart, something placed there by God. Choose the one that has a love that resembles the love of God.

Choose someone who loves you and others in a way that reminds you of the way God loves.

Choose the person who is going to protect your relationship with him, with others, and with God.

Choose them because you see godly characteristics in them- forgiveness, patience, kindness, and faith. And then you love them for who they are not for how they love you.

When you are looking for the one, choose them because you have a desire to add joy to their life, and you want to help them grow and you want to encourage their walk with Christ. Don’t be looking for someone if your only focus is to see how much they can do for you or how well they can love you.

Don’t check “yes” if you expect them to fulfill everything for you, or to be your sole source of happiness and purpose. That’s not what they are. They are a companion to help you grow and learn. They are someone to help you honor God. Part of the purpose of your relationship is to be a godly example and to be a picture of the love of God to others. They are simply someone to walk through life with, because God knew that it would be easier for us if we didn’t have to do this life alone.

Filled with Greater Joy

Hopefully, most everyone has noticed by now that Tender, Kind & Refined has been moved to Filled with Greater Joy. I’ve been thinking about changing the name for a while, but I couldn’t come up with a title that I was satisfied with until now. I’ve been meaning to write an explanation behind this change earlier, but I’ve been super busy (and a bit lazy) so here it finally is!

joy

Joy is such an important concept to me, and it’s also something I’ve always really struggled with. I’ve always admired people who can go through every day with a smile of their face, while their heart is actually shattered on the inside. I can imagine that takes an incredible amount of strength, and also an incredibly strong foundation in their faith, and it’s something that I’ve never succeeded in doing.

Without going into a ton of detail, I become overwhelmed extremely easy. All the sadness and heartache in the world really lies heavy in my heart, and sometimes I let it engulf me.

It seems like someone is always getting hurt, someone is always going through tragedy, people die, people are starving, people hurt each other, and it seems like it never ends. These are the streams of thought that almost constantly go run through my mind. And because of this, joy seems far from my soul at times.

But that’s just this world- and this world is not my home.

And I know that God can overcome anything and everything.

I recently ran across this verse:

“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.” – Habakkuk 3:17-18

This is it, y’all this is the verse! Can you believe that I’ve gone all this time trying to embrace this concept, but had never come across this verse??

Yeah. Me neither.

And it seems like now that I’ve discovered it, I keep seeing it pop up everywhere. Funny how things happen like that, you know?

Though everything in my life that could possibly go wrong may be going wrong, I will still rejoice in my savior.

THIS HAS BEEN ON MY HEART FOR SO LONG, Y’ALL.

Because it’s important. And also, because it’s difficult.

We are creatures of habit. We are creatures of routine. We are creatures that desire everything to go according to our way, our wants, and our time frame. We want perfection, and we want it quickly and effortlessly. So when we don’t get our way, when we don’t get perfection, when things are hard to do and they take a long time or maybe they seem impossible, we crumble.

Maybe the fig tree that won’t bud is actually you feeling as if your talents and abilities are going to waste.

Maybe your lack of sheep in the pen and cattle in the field is actually a lack of digits in your bank account or the scarcity of food that you can put on the table.

Maybe the fields that produce no food are actually the hours of time you put into something you care about, and you never see the fruits of your labor.

Maybe the lack of grapes on the vine is lack of sustained friendships or family relationships.

But you can still rejoice in your Savior- you can still be joyful in the Lord.

Because the very fact that you have air in your lungs and a beating heart is enough to rejoice. The fact that you wake up every morning with Jesus by your side is more than enough to be grateful for. Whatever you have in life, whether it is a lot or a little by the world’s standards, it is still more than you deserve and it is still a tremendous blessing.

We deserve nothing, so the fact that we have anything at all should be motive enough to celebrate our life in Christ every single day.

On my journey here to being filled with greater joy, I’ve learned that when I slip into a funk or start throwing myself a little pity party, counting my blessings always helps. Literally. I begin a mental list of things that I am thankful for. Sometimes, it’s even more helpful to actually write it down, because I have a visual representation of how much I am blessed with.

I recognize now that despite what whirlwind of devastation is going on around me, my joy and contentment come from God, not outside circumstances. I recognize that comparing my life to anyone else’s shatters my joy. I’m learning that joy is beautiful and contagious and extremely important for someone following after Jesus. My goal is have true lasting joy throughout my life, no matter what surroundings or struggles come my way.

My goal is to live my life filled with greater joy.